popslash_lollipops | *headdesk*headdesk*

JC slammed his fist on the desk as an intentional tactic in not smashing his computer. He was just done reading his email. His album’s release date was pushed back. Again. He growled and continued to surf the net.

He heard footsteps behind him and tensed in anger. “What’s all the banging about?” “I’m busy.” “Ohh, such a tone! What’s wrong? Talk to me; I’m dyin’ over here.” JC turned around and gave Chris the death stare. “Fuck off.” Chris reeled back, a rare look of hurt flashing in his eyes. “Whatever you say.”

JC felt guilt burn in the pit of his stomach, but he continued to work. After about an hour, he felt the pull of sleep and decided to rest his head on the desk. When he was stirred from sleep, he looked up at the clock on the wall and noticed his moment of rest had actually been three hours. After peeling the piece of paper stuck to his cheek, he wondered what had pulled him from his slumber and noticed a mouth watering smell seeping into the room.

JC got up from the desk and left his office. He then traveled down the stairs and outside. He went to the other side of the yard and let out a chuckle.

There was a barbeque with corn on the cob and steaks grilling. And there was Chris. Wearing nothing but oven mitts, an apron that had “Kiss the Cook” written on it, and the smile on his face.

“Let me get this straight.” Chris chuckled. “That’d be a first for you, ya big gay-mo.” JC shook his head.

“So, I act like an asshole and you make me my favorite barbequed foods AND do it naked.” Chris nodded earnestly. “And if I’m a gay-mo, than what does that make you?” Chris smirked. “A co-dependent enabler?” JC giggled and strolled up to Chris, kissing the older man on the lips.

“Did I mention I loved you?” Chris nodded. “You don’t need to tell me.” JC was taken aback by the seriousness of his lover’s tone and expression, but let out a soft chuckle when Chris used the tongs to pinch his nose. “So, medium well?”

As cute as the whole image is? (I love this, really....)

It would just be so much better if you'd had someone beta this for you an used a spell checker. Simple grammatical errors really distract me from a fic... I start dwelling on fixing things and don't think about the story enough.

He heard footsteps behind him and tensed in anger. “What’s all the banging about?” “I’m busy.” “Ohh, such a tone! What’s wrong? Talk to me; I’m dyin’ over here.” JC turned around and gave Chris the death stare. “Fuck off.” Chris reeled back, a rare look of hurt flashing in his eyes. “Whatever you say.”

Each time a different character speaks, you need to start a new paragraph. Also? Who heard footsteps behind him? It should have been clarified, to make things easier. So it should have read something like this:

JC heard footsteps behind him and tensed in anger. (Why was he tensing in anger? Was he mad at the person approaching him from behind?)

"What's all the banging about?" Chris asked as he entered the room. (have to identify the other man at some point, the sooner the better.)

"I'm busy," JC replied shortly. (or something to show the emotion/frustration he is likely feeling).

“Ohh, such a tone! What’s wrong? Talk to me; I’m dyin’ over here," Chris teased as he tried to get JC to smile.

JC turned around and gave Chris the death stare. “Fuck off.”

Chris reeled back as a rare look of hurt flash~~ing~~ed in his eyes. “Whatever you say.”

JC felt guilt burn in the pit of his stomach, but he continued to work. After about an hour, he felt the pull of sleep and decided to rest his head on the desk. When he was stirred from sleep, he looked up at the clock on the wall and noticed his moment of rest had actually been three hours. After peeling the piece of paper stuck to his cheek, he wondered what had pulled him from his slumber and noticed a mouth watering smell seeping into the room.

One of the things my beta always got on me about was using the same word/phrase too closely together - in this case, pulled or some form of it. Careful of that! ;-)

There was a barbeque with corn on the cob and steaks grilling. And there was Chris. Wearing nothing but oven mitts, an apron that had “Kiss the Cook” written on it, and the smile on his face.

Where was Chris? In front of the grill? In front of the poolhouse? Sitting on the edge of the pool?

“Let me get this straight.” Chris chuckled. “That’d be a first for you, ya big gay-mo.” JC shook his head.

*blinks* Were they both speaking here? If so, then a new paragraph was needed, as was something to identify who said which.

“So, I act like an asshole and you make me my favorite barbequed foods AND do it naked.” Chris nodded earnestly. “And if I’m a gay-mo, than what does that make you?” Chris smirked. “A co-dependent enabler?” JC giggled and strolled up to Chris, kissing the older man on the lips.

“Did I mention I loved you?” Chris nodded. “You don’t need to tell me.” JC was taken aback by the seriousness of his lover’s tone and expression, but let out a soft chuckle when Chris used the tongs to pinch his nose. “So, medium well?”

Again, are they both speaking here? Who said which? Also? What are some of their actions?

as much as i appreciate the writing lesson, i would have appreciated a thank you instead of OR before the "oh, i liked this, but i can't enjoy it because you don't write well" vibe set in. and i do have a beta for my fiction journal, but i don't ever feel the need to use her for ficlits AND i used a spell checker; i always type these in a word document before i post them. nobody has ever really complained about my writing style before this, so i never thought it was an issue. i have to pat myself on the back for not making some of the typical mistakes in writing, but maybe i do need some work.

but a thank you would have been nice beforehand. please keep that in mind ;)

I guess I'm confused. Should I have said thank you, but??

And I ALWAYS have someone go over everything I write before posting. Always. They always catch stuff (even the little things) that I don't. The other thing to remember is that a spell check isn't going to catch if you type "then" and meant "the."

nobody has ever really complained about my writing style before this, so i never thought it was an issue.

I may be the only one with a complaint then. Or I could be the only one that's dared to be the bad guy and speak up. I have no idea.

you're not a bad guy - someone should have pointed it out to me sooner. i'm actually a journalism major, so i'm not formally used to writing in the creative sense. i put a creative spin on my stories, but it's still journalism after all.

and please don't think i'm being snarky or bitchy - i sometimes write the way i talk. i don't mean anything nasty by it ;)

I'm sorry, you're right I should have said thank you. I did start off by complimenting you and I am grateful--this *is* a cute idea. Often when I post things, people are generous with compliments but I really appreciate it when people take the time to give me constructive criticism. Some of the mistakes you made were very basic mechanical mistakes, and luckily those are the easiest thing to fix. It's coming up with good, cute ideas that's hard.

it's no problem really :) i thought the barbequing naked part was very *chris* i really hope you did enjoy it and i will use a beta for even the small stuff. hey, is that ryan cabrera on your icon?

This one? No, it's Howie Day.

headdeskheaddesk*

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