natalie (![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
epicflailer.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
popslash_lollipops2005-03-23 08:23 pm
epicflailer.livejournal.com) wrote in popslash_lollipops2005-03-23 08:23 pm
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because i am retarded when it comes to the footage department, it took me one and a half years to get my hands on oprah!footage. so, in celebration of that, i'd like to request post-rehab!aj/nick. and how aj doing drugs and alcohol fucked nick up before and how they're dealing now, maybe? the angst (or the fluffy!reunion) factor is completely up to you. pleasedon'tmakeitallaboutthesex.
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Nick was usually a pretty heavy sleeper, but tonight the sound of cabinet doors closing and bare feet padding across the floor woke him up with a jolt. He lay still for a moment, slowly waking up and remembering where he was, when the noises picked up again. Frowning, he crawled out of the bunk AJ had as a spare on the bus for him to use, grabbed his t-shirt from the floor and threw it on, eyelids still drooping. Yawning and rubbing his eyes, he walked the five steps it took him to get to the kitchenette.
"What are you doing?" he asked, voice gravelly with sleep.
AJ turned around in a flash, startled, and said in a hushed tone, "Nothing. Go back to sleep."
Nick caught the panic in his voice, and froze. "What are you doing?" he asked again, voice firmer this time.
"I'm not doing anything, for fuck's sake," AJ snapped, voice low to keep the driver from listening.
"There's nothing here, AJ. Nothing. Not even cough syrup. All right?"
AJ stopped in his tracks and stared at Nick, mouth unmoving for quite some time. "I was looking for something to eat," he said slowly, opening a cabinet and taking out a pop tart. He walked right past him to get the small sitting area as he opened the small package. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, though. Really. Great to have you around, Nick."
No, you weren't, was all Nick could think as he followed him and sat down next to the other man. "You're shaking," he said instead, and wanted to kick himself as soon as the words were out. AJ glanced at him briefly, still idly playing with the wrapping on his pop tart.
Nick sighed and pulled his legs up against himself, wrapping his arms around them. He knew this was going to happen eventually. When AJ had asked him to ride on his bus with him overnight, he knew they couldn't spend all that time talking about soundchecks and video games. "Wanna talk about it?" he mumbled. This time AJ's gaze on him lingered and he quirked an eyebrow in surprise.
Nick knew why, of course. He wasn't the go-to guy. He got uncomfortable when people told him about their problems. He never had anything helpful to offer, and always ended up suggesting a game of some sort to get their mind off of things. Those who were closest to him knew that that was how he offered his support.
But when AJ nodded reluctantly, Nick knew he could help this time. He could be useful.
"I just ... I don't think I can do it," AJ said, and the smile he offered was the most tragic thing Nick had ever seen. "I don't, and I feel like a shit for saying it, but I want that fucking drink so much. Just one. That's what keeps running through my head. 'Just one, and you wouldn't touch it again.' But it's bullshit. No one's that strong."
Nick nodded, eyes fixed on his knees, tracing the tiny scar he'd gotten after falling off his bike when he was eight. "You haven't ... I mean, you haven't ... have you?"
"No," AJ said, voice raspy. "But I might. Which scares the shit out of me, let me tell you." He let out a hollow laugh, then stopped abruptly, taking in a shaky breath. "I still count days, you know. 65 days sober. 66, actually, it's after midnight. I'm supposed to think that's a big deal, right?"
"It is," Nick replied quietly.
In his peripheral vision, he could see AJ watching him silently. He turned his head to rest against his knees and looked back, feeling something snap between them. Something vital.
"I don't think I really understood at first," he continued softly. "How hard it's been for you. And I got so close to fucking up just as badly as you did, you know that, and it doesn't seem fair that you going through rehab was what pulled me out of all that shit, but it did and I'm ... grateful." He laughed nervously. "I don't even know how I got started. It just seemed so natural, before, to go out with you and drink and maybe get high once or twice, because you did it, and. Well, I've pretty much done what you do my entire life, so ... it made sense."
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"No, wait, let me finish," he said quickly, heart almost pounding through his chest by this point. "You were an asshole, all right? I hated how you went out of your way to make everyone miserable. But I was like that, too. I just didn't see it. I said so much stupid shit to you, just to hurt you, and it was so goddamn hypocritical, all of it." He paused, and took a deep breath. "My point is that ... you're much stronger than I am, AJ, you're gonna stay clean and I'm gonna help you, because I didn't help you before and-"
The words got caught in his throat, somehow, and he looked up at AJ who was sitting very still, eyes very wide, and fists clenched very tight. "You - how dare you--?"
Nick swallowed, vision blurring in what he could only assume was silent panic, and leaned forward until his lips pressed against AJ's, making a little noise even he wasn't sure what meant. The other man froze and his hands flew up to press against Nick's chest, but at least he wasn't pushing him away just yet, and Nick hesitantly reached up a hand to rest against AJ's cheek, lightly, so lightly, relishing in feel of the scruffy hairs and smooth skin and full lips that he'd missed beyond his own imagination.
But AJ wasn't responding, and after a while Nick reluctantly pulled away just enough to see the confusion in the other man's eyes. He closed his own and pressed his forehead to AJ's with a deep sigh.
For a while, there was nothing except the sound of their breathing.
"I-" AJ's voice had gone raspy again. "I thought you said-"
"I'm sorry I didn't come visit you," Nick whispered brokenly, holding both AJ's shoulders tight in his hands. "I'm sorry I said those things to you before you left, those horrible things, I hate the word 'fag', I do, I didn't mean it, oh God, I really, really want you, I was just freaked out and I'm sorry, AJ, please."
AJ's breathing had gone ragged, and he reached out to cup Nick's head in his hands before kissing him. "I know," he whispered into Nick's mouth. "I know, I know, it's okay, I'm sorry, too."
Nick returned the kiss hungrily, hands sliding from AJ's shoulders and down his sides and up under his wifebeater, roaming bare skin with almost feverish determination. He was getting lightheaded, wanting everything all at once but not being able to stop kissing AJ, ever ever again.
Finally, when his lungs were burning with need for oxygen, he wrenched away and gasped for air, mouth still only inches away from AJ's who was struggling to breathe just as hard.
"I want to," he said, gulping in more air before he continued, "help you."
AJ blinked a few times, and he was so close that Nick was sure he could see every eyelash flutter. Still breathing heavily, he planted a few chaste kisses on Nick's lips and grinned, if not a little nervously, at least genuinely.
"I haven't thought about drinking for at least half an hour," he said. "You're already helping."
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holy cow. just, i can't even begin to tell you how much i love/adore/want to have babies with this story. or why it's good--although everything you write pretty much IS! obviously, the first thing is the length. it's LONGish! *loves!*
the whole 'aj-sneaking-around' deal punched me in the gut. it was a perfect set-up for the whole impromptu heart to heart and dammit, nick thinking aj wanted food. my stomach was starting to knot and i was getting all nervous already!
Nick knew why, of course. He wasn't the go-to guy. He got uncomfortable when people told him about their problems. / Well, I've pretty much done what you do my entire life, so ... it made sense."
And this? This must be THE most perfect characterization i have read in the backstreet fandom. Because, yes. I love it when people realize the Boys aren't perfect--not only in extreme ways like being addicted to alcohol--and show it in their writing. and the hero!worship! it's done so beautifully. mmmmm.
"I just ... I don't think I can do it," AJ said, and the smile he offered was the most tragic thing Nick had ever seen. "I don't, and I feel like a shit for saying it, but I want that fucking drink so much. Just one. That's what keeps running through my head. 'Just one, and you wouldn't touch it again.' But it's bullshit. No one's that strong."
KIJUHYTF(&^*(P)_@(#*U&YT%^R#TY@FVGHJKRFA:DLJK:AF!!!!!!!!!!!! uh. the way he said it, everything he actually said, the subtext nickyouneedtomakethisokay! this was it for me. this was what made me CERTAIN that this ficlet is my favourite-thing-ever! and that you are possibly the best writer still writing in this fandom. *bows down in worship*
"I'm sorry I didn't come visit you," Nick whispered brokenly, holding both AJ's shoulders tight in his hands.
ow, nick. OW. this line left me in tears. the way you slid all that stuff in about what nick said/did to aj before he went into rehab in the dialogue, i absolutely adored. dammit, these boys are so broken. but then they end up kissing! and optimistically happy!
perfect way to end off the perfect story. i'm going to squee in my journal now, because yes. thank you again, so much. this doesn't even BEGIN to cover how much i think this fic should be treated like my only worldly possession. *nod*
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YES! The hero-worshipping! That is the main thing for me in AJ/Nick. Nick looks up to AJ like a starry-eyed teenybopper and it's just, gah, it kills me.
I am literally speechless over here. I don't know what to say! You calling me one of the best writers still writing is just out of this world, because I look at
Hurt!AJ is crack, I swear. It really shouldn't be, but he angsts so prettily. *is shameless* I'm just so, so glad you liked it this much, because I was fretting again and now I'm literally beaming. THANK you.
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um. what exactly does a person say here? oh god. The sensory information--gorgeous. just. crap. And then, the kiss in general, with Nick kissing and AJ not, that ambiguity of what's happening in AJ's head, and Nick so soft, so fucking gentle. ::shivers::
Also. That ending is perfection. Aw, AJ. NICK!
p.s....hi nat!
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p.s. *waves*
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